a little background—i used to hate to eat.
this was not my intention; nor was it something that i desired. i was not born into an environment that demonized food, and when i fully realized this hatred, it shocked me.
growing up, i was the girl that loved food. i had super healthy boundaries around what i would and wouldn’t eat, i stopped when i was full. i ate all the things, and i loved sweets, but i particularly enjoyed nutrient-rich foods. even into middle school, i maintained a very healthy perspective around food, when many of my friends began to exhibit unhealthy patterns around food.
so, what happened?
to be entirely honest, i’m not totally sure. just like everything else, i’m sure there were many complicated factors at play. but, I’ll give you one of them:
i joined the cross-country team.
um, yikes… that’s not a very positive portrayal of my favorite sport…
well, it’s not a favorable picture to paint, but it’s the truth.
some kudos to my high school team: we were not the kind where the coach went and said, “if you want to be good at this sport, you have to lose weight.” more often than not, nothing was said about food or weight by our coaches other than what to eat before a race so that you don’t go and pass out.
somehow, though, this silence was just as harmful as diet culture words would’ve been. i’m pretty sure that those of you who have struggled with disordered eating can understand this idea. if no one is there to challenge the diet culture, falling into it is so easy.
some more background for you: i am a perfectionist.
i think that this character trait helped lead me into a very restrictive diet, and ultimately an eating disorder. research shows that people who develop eating disorders are more likely to have perfectionistic tendencies, and i definitely fall into that category.
being a perfectionist, and un unconfident one at that, i turned to comparison to help myself be the version of “perfect” that i thought everybody else was. unfortunately, my high school running friends who were my physical standard of perfect were not themselves healthfully fueling themselves. their lean bodies, shown off in just their sports bras (which i was too modest to wear), were an outcome of restriction (and in some cases, extreme restriction).
in order to try and eat in a way that seemed “good” to everybody else, i basically just cut out all fats except for peanut butter, ate “one carb” per meal, and tried to make my stomach full with vegetables and maybe a fruit or two so as to eat as little as possible. oh, and did i mention that i could only eat “clean” foods? and snacks were out of the question.
i prided myself on not weighing myself or counting calories, thinking that if i avoided these two practices, i couldn’t have an eating disorder. instead, i would body shame myself and congratulating myself if i could successfully eat less that day than the day before, or if i looked particularly “skinny” that day.
i experienced such a lack of energy at school and cross-country practices, always wanting the run to be over. or, i would go for a long run, have one thing trigger me, and have a complete mental breakdown in front of my teammates. everything seemed so terrible, so sad. to make it even harder, i had pretty severe gastrointestinal issues.
i say all of this with the knowledge that although it has the potential to trigger some people, i found it incredibly helpful and encouraging when others shared the details of their stories in a way that I not only could relate to, but that also helped me to spot some further warning signs in myself and in others.
as you might imagine, a few months of this, and i began to despise eating. it made me so intensely afraid of weight gain that i felt that it wasn’t even worth it to eat.
thankfully—and praise God!—at a doctor’s appointment for my gastrointestinal issues, i was weighed (at which i gleefully told my mother, “i’m light!”), and my wise doctor knew right away what was up. she helped me to understand that eating fats was actually good—like avocado, nut & seeds, and peanut butter WITH the oils in it. i came home so, so relieved. i could finally eat again! i was thrilled to be able to eat as much for snack as i wanted to, to not feel like i needed to restrict my intake at thanksgiving, and to enjoy some pizza in my diet again. what a relief!
i do remember, though, sitting in the car on the way home from the doctor’s office, thinking, “i’m going to conquer this quickly!” although outwardly positive and innocent, i think it was one of my biggest mistakes.
as often happens, eating disorder behaviors returned. it wasn’t until the next fall that my other doctor suggested that i see a registered dietician who specialized in outpatient eating disorder recovery. this was what truly kickstarted my journey toward genuine health.
as a knowledge-lover and a Christian, i loved visiting my dietician’s office on saturday mornings and learning about all of the scientific reasons that i should actually eat MORE, not less. she brought logic into the equation and helped me to think all of my dietary decisions through—were they wise or unwise? and, most of all, she encouraged me to bring my belief in the love of the LORD into this aspect of my life.
i did not heal in a day, in a year, or even in a handful of years. my very-ingrained disordered eating behaviors morphed and shifted throughout all my years of college, and i began to see another nutritionist for a slightly different problem: orthorexic behaviors. however, through consistent and intensive personal work, a lot of support from my friends and then-boyfriend, and guidance from many professionals, i was able to step out of the realm of “eating disorder” into the realm of “normal eating”, otherwise known as “intuitive eating”.
i give all this background because 1) i want you to understand that you are not alone and i empathize with you, if you have ever struggled to eat, and 2) it is important to explain my “why” in order to give my “reasons why”.
here are the reasons why we eat:
1) food is necessary for life.
you cannot live very long without food. even if you have too little of it for a long period of time, it is possible to die of starvation or other severe health complications. not eating is not something to take lightly; we need food to live.
2) food gives you energy.
this is a slightly different point than the first, for it is lighter. food provides us with energy, real energy. every kilocalorie in food is actually a measure of how much energy you are taking into your body. we need kilocalories to exercise, think, have fun, go to work, even sleep! think about it: even if you sit home all day and do not exercise, you still may not have a lot of energy; this could be because you are not eating enough for your body to fully function. food gives us energy.
3) food is delicious.
when we begin to eat again, we realize that food actually tastes REALLY good. many foods that you might not have thought you liked before taste delicious, too! it is actually a really good thing to enjoy what we are eating. as a roommate said to me once in college, “God created food for us to enjoy it.” i tried to find all sorts of reasons she was wrong, but i’ve come to realize that she is right! food was not created for us to despise it; in fact, quite the contrary.
4) food connects us with other people.
i used to get very annoyed whenever i heard this phrase, but it is SO TRUE. thinking back to my high school and college years, when i never let myself eat what everyone else was eating and enjoying, i remember a sadness and loneliness present that i always tried (and failed) to wish away. some things you cannot pretend are not there. i missed out on a lot of emotional connections with friends and family because i was trying to pretend that i wasn’t hungry or did not want whatever everyone else was having. i LOVE going over to other people’s houses now, knowing that i can eat if i want to!
5) this point is my ultimate grounding point.
Christ calls us to eat.
He Himself is the Bread of Life. every sunday, when i take communion, i remember this. He gives Himself as our spiritual food and does so using a physical food analogy. clearly, in Christ’s perspective, food is necessary for life.
Christ says, “take; eat. this is my body” (Matt. 26:26, ESV). He calls us to partake not only of Him, but also of the sign that points to Him, the physical bread itself. this is true at communion.
however, God also makes it very clear throughout the old and new testaments that we, as humans, are to care for His creation. i cannot care for His creation, of which i am a part, if i do not feed, nourish, and nurture it. i cannot care for His creation if i myself refuse to eat, leaving myself to die. it would be disobedience to God, but even more so, it would be unloving towards God’s creation and especially towards the Creator Himself.
having studied and thought about this topic for many years, there is no other conclusion that i can come to. Christ, graciously and thankfully, calls us to eat. there is a relief in this, a sweet and precious surrender, a falling into a loving and whole relationship.
in conclusion, i now eat. often (but not always) gratefully; often (but not always) mindfully; often (but not always) enough. i feed on food as a symbol of feeding on Christ. i give myself permission to come all the things that my body finds edible, with a focus on caring for His creation, of which my body is part. i give myself permission to mess up. i allow myself to set goals if they remain honoring to God; if not, they're out. i frequently remind myself to slow down and to give thanks. i stay grounded.
my journey with food is and has not been a smooth one; i hope this encourages you, if yours hasn't been either. i am not at any means at the end of the healing road; however, i continue treading in the right direction.
much love to you on your journey with and around food. and i hope that you will daily eat happy.
<3 k.e.
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