"into your hands, Father, I commit my spirit."
-june 2022-
welcome to summer. :)
as a new season begins, it is so easy to come up with all sorts of ideas about what we want the season to look like, how we want to grow, what specific things we want to happen...and before we know it, these wants and desires become more than that. they become obsessions. necessities. things which we feel that we cannot go without.
now, i love to be creative, and am in no way condemning the good aspects of brainstorming, coming up with plans, and allowing those plans to come to fruition. i think that there is something so beautiful and exciting about seeing your ideas through.
i am, more so, referring to those obsessions. those so-called needs. those "this summer, i need to do this, or else i won't succeed" thoughts and phrases. these are dangerous. very. and they happen so, so easily, especially for me.
for me, something as innocent as, "i want to do more running," "i want to go hiking more frequently," "i want to explore," or "i want to go ice cream shop hopping" quickly becomes "i need to run more," "i need to hike more," "i need to explore," and "i need to visit a new ice cream shop today, even if i don't feel like going out" (although i will say, i am rarely not in the mood for a good cone of ice cream! :P). wants become needs. desires become lifelines. and lifelines become...well, not fun. these beautiful activities lose their joy as i lose my energy to try and compensate for every single one of them.
this past year, as i embarked on my first year of teaching, i rediscovered what it is like to spend all of my time stressing and worrying and trying to do more, more, and more. even in the past few days since school has been out, i have mourned my general attitude over the last year, realizing that i have been far more productive in the last few stress-free days than i was in any of my stress-filled weekends during the school year.
this time last year, i packed my poor heart with worries...more...and more...and more, until there was no longer anything that i could not worry about. every little thing hit a nerve, sparking anger in my heart. disliking this anger tendency of mine, i instead compensated by shutting down my feelings, which i thought would help only until i was in a better situation and could feel positive feelings again. at which point i would have barely anything to worry about. but oh, how i was wrong. i went from worrying to anger to control...and i honestly have to say that the control nature of mine was the worst of all. i destroyed a relationship that mattered so much to me with my need to control.
we are human. inevitably, the need to worry leads to something else, which leads to something else, which ends up being far more harmful than we ever wanted to be. this is not a quality that we can just be rid of, just shake. this is something that we need to account for. worry is unhelpful at best. at worst, it is dangerous.
i am a worrier by nature. that is not something that i can help. but oh, thank God for the sweet grace to surrender!
a recent discussion with a friend of mine sparked some further thoughts about this. we can run around the hamster wheel of worry and control all we like, but at the end of the day, what is the real value? we cannot get anywhere. but then...what would the alternative be? is there something more reliable than our beloved worry?
luke 12
so, perhaps i do not need to worry about every little thing this summer. perhaps, instead, i can live in abundance, relying on the Giver of life instead of trying to come up with everything myself (...and inevitably failing to). perhaps, i can truly take a deep, deep breath in and enjoy this season, even if it brings me some pain.
with this perspective, i won't lie, i am a little afraid that i won't accomplish on my checklist for the summer. yet...if all that happens this summer is my checklist, i know that i will be left desperately unsatisfied. i'd much rather gain life and keep my soul than lose both things and keep my checklist.
so i'll let go a little bit. and honestly, i cannot wait to see what this very unusual and ordinary summer has in store for me. :)
as always, much love, and take care.
--karen elise
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